Talking to young people about the news

What should we say to the young people in our lives about the violent events of the last month? We know from prior tragedies that despite (some) parents best efforts, young children notice the news and feel the anxiety from their parents when tragedies are covered in the media. Over the past few weeks, more than any other time I can remember, my friends have been sharing posts and tweets expressing their sadness about the news, the police shootings of young black men, the sniper shooting of the Dallas police officers and the police officers shot in Baton Rouge. As adults, we can barely make sense of the violence ourselves, let alone find ways to help our children make sense of it. It’s easier to turn the media off, or watch it when the kids are asleep, or post and tweet when they’re out of the house. Why subject children to violent images and situations that will surely lead to questions for which we have no solid answers?

But I feel we must.

We must find a way to talk about all of it with our kids and help them make sense of the media providing the messages.

Many others are more equipped than I to decipher the cognitive impact on children and the psycho-social influence. I’m most comfortable talking about the media influence, so that’s where I’ll focus.

I also not going to rehash the often-reported points about how media is such a profoundly influential force in children’s lives or how many hours of a child’s day (our day) is spent consuming information from media sources. But if I start with that premise, it’s an easy leap to the reality that learning to better understand the influence of media is vitally important. We need to help children be literate in their use of, understanding of, and creation of media, so that they can interact with it wisely. And that includes the media they intentionally use, such as Snapchat or the latest popular game (Pokemon Go?), as well as the media they are perhaps unintentionally consuming, such as the national news or a trending feed on YouTube.

We know that sometimes it is the moments of profound tragedy and sadness that offer the greatest opportunity for deep empathy and learning to take place. So, while I certainly wish none of this violence were taking place, I see the opportunity to use the moment to prompt what otherwise would be out-of-left-field conversations about media with my daughter and other young people in my life.

My goal in this post is focused on that one point; to explore the conversations that we can have with the young people in our lives about the shootings and violence and terrorism taking place around the US and around the world.

The suggestions below are by no means exhaustive, nor necessarily new. I need ongoing reminders to do all of the points below, so perhaps you do too.

Make space for conversation

In order to explore these topics, we need to make space for the conversation to happen at all. If our children (and we) are consuming media in separate rooms or with headphones on or with personal devices, we’re less likely to share what we see with one another, or express concern about something we see. Conversations happen in the spaces in between. Most adults have had the experience of their child sharing details about their life during an otherwise routine car ride, subway journey or bus trip. It’s that kind of space in the mundane moments of life that creates a time for conversation about something of substance. Making space for conversation can be the difference between knowing whether a young person in your life is concerned about the news (or anything else) or not.

Move from switching off, to switching on.

Resist the turn-it-all-off solution. In many homes, there is some form of media “on” all the time, so simply turning everything off may not work for your family anyway. Certainly, it’s best to keep graphic news stories away from young children. But, other than that, rather than making sure the news isn’t on when kids are in the room or closing all news-related tabs on the family computer, engage your child in current events by posing a question about something they care about and using that question as a way into a discussion about more sensitive current events. Be on the lookout for questions from your child that reflect an awareness about current events. If a child (figuratively) opens the door with their question, take their cue and “walk in” that door together. For example, if your child sees an image or hears a story and says “What happened to that policeman?” or “Why is that boy crying?”, you can start by inquiring “Why don’t you tell me what you know about it…” That child’s reply will help you understand what he or she knows and feels about it, so you can respond to the child’s actual concern, and not your worries. I recognize that just this step is uncomfortable for many adults in conversations with kids, but what’s the alternative? Leaving kids to wonder, fear, react, without any adult guidance? We simply must talk with them, even if part of what we say is “I don’t know.”

When responding, consider the basic elements any good journalist would provide:

What. A basic sentence or two about what happened

Who. Specific and direct response about the people involved.

When. Timing. Beginning and end.

Where. Location, specifically proximity to where the young person lives or where their family lives.

How. It’s likely we don’t know how something happened, so this response is more likely to stress that point. We don’t always know how.

If I were responding to a question about what happened in Orlando, I might say:

People were gathered at a music club in Orlando, Florida on Saturday night and a man came in and shot a number of people.

Depending on the child and the child’s age, I might stop there. At this time, most children will either say “oh, ok” and be done with it, or ask further questions. Details about how many people were hurt, or the length of time it took for police to bring the situation under control, or the fact that the club was filled with people from the LGBTQ community, may be addressed differently depending on the child’s age and background.

Regardless of the breaking news story, and sticking with my media literacy focus, consider these points in your conversations:

-This only happened one time, but someone made a video of it and we’re seeing that video over and over again. It’s not a new video and a new person every time. (Even if it happened more than one time, it still likely looks like many more times based on how many times video footage has been seen.)

-Remember someone probably edited this video, and we don’t know who edited it or how much they edited it, or why. There are likely pieces to this story that we haven’t seen.

-This is part of a TV show (or online news site or podcast or…) and whoever made this really wants people to see/hear it. That affects what the creator shows us or tells us, since they want to make sure we see it.

The difficulty in writing something like this blog post is that every child is unique and their handling of conflict or tragedy will be unique to their circumstance, emotional maturity, and life history. But many child development experts stress the idea of meeting the child where he/she is. Answer the child’s questions. See if that leads to more questions. Answer those. When the child’s questions stop, it might be time to stop the conversation. But it’s usually useful to probe a bit first. Does that make sense? Are you concerned about anything else? Want to go online together and find more information about this?

For most young children, their greatest concern will be “Am I in danger?” or “Are people I know in danger”? They may not articulate that concern quite so clearly, but their concern will be focused on themselves first. Young children need comfort before any further conversation can take place. For the youngest children in our lives, some of the recommendations above may not be appropriate. If a child can’t sleep or eat, or is deeply affected by sad news, it may be best to let some time go by before engaging in deeper conversations about news media.

The best action we can take with our children or other young people in our lives is to model the kind of behavior we want to encourage. Consider your own reactions when watching or listening to the news. How does it affect you? What messages about the world do your children get from your reactions to news media? I need to put myself in check about this. I’ve been known to shout at the screen or sit with my husband and watch hours of live coverage of a breaking news story. Is that the message I want to send to my daughter?

In the social media, live streaming, breaking news, 24 hour news cycle that we live in, news stories are no longer seen by adults only. Many children have access to handheld devices with Internet access in which stories and images are pushed to trending lists and other environments that increase the likelihood they will see and hear about violence. Discussions about these events can help develop empathy in young children if the discussions are handled with thoughtful consideration-- or develop narrow-minded, or sad, or negative tendencies in children, if not.

Resources:

From KidsHealth.org "How to talk to your child about the news"

http://kidshealth.org/en/parents/news.html

From Common Sense Media, "Explaining the news to our kids"

https://www.commonsensemedia.org/blog/explaining-the-news-to-our-kids

From Time magazine, "How to talk to your kids about the Orlando shooting"

http://time.com/4366400/orlando-shooting-parenting/

From NBC News, "How to talk to your kids about the shootings"

http://www.nbcnews.com/id/15109195/ns/health-childrens_health/t/how-talk-your-kids-about-shootings/#.V5JMjY7mstk